Walking Dead Reboot 290313SCENE: [With apologies to Robert Kirkman] The world we knew is gone. The world of commerce and frivolous necessity has been replaced by a world of survival and responsibility. An epidemic of apocalyptic proportions has swept the globe, caused the dead to rise and feed on the living. In a matter of months society has crumbled, no government, no grocery stores, no mail delivery, no cable TV. In a world of the dead, when their very existence is precarious, the feminists are forced to fight for their survival in a small wooden shack, outside the blighted cities …

Number 1: Right, this meeting is open. I will read the minutes of the previous meeting, which concluded ten minutes ago when Number 2 left the room because she was upset when I described the brain eating zombies as “monstrous”, which I fully accept was ableist of me. My apologies for my privileged outburst at the expense of the kidney-munching hordes are recorded in the minutes.

Number 3: Point of order, Number 1. Why are we referring to each other as Numbers rather than our names?

Number 2: [Resentfully] Trust you to pick up on that. I expect the hierarchical privilege worked very well for you in the past didn’t it?

Number 3: No, I -

Number 1: Order! Points will be submitted through the chair, Number 2.

Number 2: [Flings herself to her feet] Fine. If you want to use your big privileged mouths to shout me down, that’s your lookout!

[Number 2 storms towards the door and opens it. Outside, partially obscured by the form of Number 2, is the biggest throng of vacant eyed and non-spatially aware zombies since the author last went to Sainsbury's on a Saturday]

All: [Cacophony] No! Number 2! Come back! They’re outside! Please, I’m sorry! Number 2!

[Sounds of screaming, and bones cracking. The zombies crowd around Number 2, pushing her to the ground. Presently, and with an accompanying sickly squelching sound, her intestines are passed around the group like a grotesque daisy chain]

Number 1: [Shutting the door] May the minutes note that Number 2 has been taken from us in the course of a legitimate call out of Number 3′s hyper-privileged world view.

[Pause. Number 3 looks sheepish. Then ...]

Number 1: We decided on numbers, Number 3, because our constitution – established yesterday after the lights went out – states we are to be non-hierarchical and also should challenge gender privilege. So we are now numbers rather than names.

Number 3: Does that mean -

Number 1: [Rearranging a pair of glasses with one lens smashed and the other entirely missing] Through the chair please, Number 3.

Number 3: Point of order, chair!

Number 1: I will take the point of order raised by Number 3.

Number 3: Now that Number 2 has been killed, mutilated and ingested by the bloodthirsty psychopaths just outside the door, who are even now clawing to get in and do the same to us … can I get her number?

Number 1: The chair requires further clarification: if this is an attempt to ask Number 2 out on a posthumous date, I feel this is in very bad taste. [Hastily] Of course, not that I am prejudiced against our lesbian sisters but I do feel that the potential other party in this relationship being dead is a bit of a barrier. [Fearing she's misspoken again] However, I am afraid I am speaking from heterofascistic lifeist privilege; I think that, if the Committee agrees, we raise this in Any Other Business?

All: [Mumbling to eachother] Yes, chair … quite right … concerns about how that was expressed … call out … privilege.

Number 3: No, chair, what I meant was, do I get to be Number 2? Now, you know, that she’s been eaten by the brain-hungry killers who have just this second broken that window over there?

Number 1: Number 3, that is a highly inappropriate request. I told you that we are non-hierarchical, but your desire to become Number 2 indicates that the privilege of such structures appeals to you.

All: Shame!

[Sounds of glass smashing. The groans and moans from the zombies outside become louder]

Number 3: Okay, I’m going to call you out on this: if we’re non-hierarchical, how come you are both Number 1 and chair of the Committee?

[Grunts of approval from the Committee mingle with grunts from the zombies, who are shaking at the now-glassless window frame so that the whole wooden shack is trembling perceptibly]

Number 1: Number 3, I find that a highly unfair suggestion. Just before the food supplies ran out the day before yesterday, we decided that we would operate like a Greek polis: each of us would take it in turns to be chair and to direct the crucial proceedings of the Committee.

Number 4: But that -

Number 1: [In a tone of considerable exasperation] How many times do I need to say this? Through the chair, please, Number 4.

[A splintering sound: the zombies have ripped off the side of the shack and are slowly shuffling towards the Committee]

Number 4: Point of order, chair!

Number 1: [Over the sounds of screams from Committee members and munching from the zombies] The chair will hear the point of order from Number 4!

Number 4: The problem I have with the polis model is that in its ancient form, it excluded women and children and didn’t even mention trans* activism. Can we really be secure in a constitution that’s based on a history of historical and gender dichotomy?

Number 1: Need I remind you of our first meeting, which took place just after the Government fell and society was submerged into a horrific Lord of the Flies dystopia in which we are entirely unprotected and seen as fair game and easy meat? We decided that the polis, amongst sisters, was more fair than a model built on utilitarianism or social contract theory as it negated the privilege element which will be entirely eliminated in our society.

[More screaming. A spatter of guts lands on the remaining lens of Number 1's glasses. The screaming stops. Silence]

Number 1: It is our first, and most urgent priority, that this is brought into effect immediately. And now, aside from the matter already raised, is there Any Other Business?

[The zombies advance]